Checking in.

This is just a quick check in to let you know things, and us, get better day by day.

I still dream about him every night, and I still catch myself calling out his name or looking for him on his favorite chair. I sometimes think he will stop by, like nothing happened, in spite of the evidence. Yesterday someone called me to say she had found him. Poor woman. I broke out crying. I wanted so bad to believe her, to just drive down to her place to pick him up.

But ever so slightly the sadness visits get farther apart from each other.  

I have been trying to keep occupied, to be distracted.

I am excited because good friends are visiting us today and we will get to explore around.

It should be fun.

Frijol.

Last weekend Frijol, our sweet cat, was eaten by a coyote.

At first, because he was semi-feral, we thought he was just exploring the neighborhood. But after a  couple of days we started to get worried. I spent all Monday making flyers, calling vet offices and visiting animal shelters. That afternoon we found him, or what was left of him, in the vineyard just a few feet away from our home. I know that sounds rough, and it was and still is, but we are relieved to know where he was and what happened to him. The worry that kept us up at night has been replaced by sadness. 

He was a wild cat that loved to roam and be free, and we have realized that he died the way he lived. Like a friend of mine put it: live by the fang, die by the fang. Sad as it is, he had the death we suspected he would one day have. We just didn't know it would happen this soon.

He was an avid hunter, a sweet loving companion and the smartest cat I have ever met. His latest trick was to sit to receive a treat! I wish I had a video of him doing that.

There is a huge sad emptiness where he used to be in our lives.

He and his crazy fangs will be greatly missed.

More Cues.

We must be on the right track, since life keeps sending signals to confirm it.

Here is what I stumbled upon after writing my life as a Wave update:

Image from here.

 You can buy this here

Isn't it wonderful?

So on we go...
and today we get the keys to our new home!

The Wave.

Hokusai's "The Great Wave of Kanawaga".

Remember those doors I mentioned before?

They are life changing experiences that leave you wondering what is waiting for you on the other side. Usually, what awaits you is not what you thought, and I strongly believe everything (good or bad) happens for a reason.

When I began this blog I was facing the unknown (more than usual, that is), and that was a major factor in my deciding to write my daily rants. I have not been explicit about this, but last December I was laid off from my job. It was scary and uncertainty was eating me away. 

Since then life has not been easy, and J and I have been through a lot.

Our lives have been a roller coaster. 

What seemed to be the worst experiences (losing my job, not finding another one straight away, stress and uncertainty) have all lined up to set up what is the most exciting thing that has happened to us in a long, long time.

J has found the P E R F E C T job. He is so excited! People at his new workplace are very happy about him joining their team, he will use his skills in a very cool project (he will start from zero an organic edible garden and a small farm for a winery) while he will learn tons of new things about vine cultivation and wine making.

It was him -who was not really looking- and not I who found a new job, and because I have not found one yet it is easy for us to relocate. We have found a lovely new home and cannot wait to explore the beautiful area we are moving to.

Life has a funny sense of humor, and it loves to play with your head. 

I see it as a huge wave that tumbles me around at its will and have learnt to trust it because, 

in the end, everything works out just fine.

Lost things.

We often lose things, people, memories.

Sometimes they are gone forever;

but sometimes, only sometimes, they come back...

"Lost Things" by Angela Kohler and Ithyle Griffiths From here 

Two animated poems by Billy Collins.

Two beautiful poems by Billy Collins to brighten your day:

Thomas Doyle.

Acceptable losses, 2008

Today I was happy to discover a fantastic artist! His name is Thomas Doyle and his pieces are absolutely amazing. They remind me of sweet dream-like nightmares, with the perfect balance of good and evil.

Here are some examples of his work, I hope you find it as exciting as I do, and please make sure to click on his name above to see different angles of the pieces depicted and much more.

The barrage lifts, 2010

Dissolution of entities, 2006

All without an airlock, 2005

Null cipher, 2006

Little optimum, 2005

They draw you out, 2006

The reprisal, 2006

State of Mind II (with alternatives).

Okay, so the weather is improving and tomorrow might actually be sunny (crossing my fingers!).
But today is still a bit dark and rainy, so here are a couple of options for you to deal with that.

a. Wake up slow, stay in bed and pretend there is no world outside (and eat banana pancakes if you like them, but I don't, so there's an alternative inside this alternative and mine was cinnamon toast).

Jack Johnson- Banana Pancakes (Kokua Festival 2010)

b. Get up and dance!

Hollerado - Americanarama (via Mighty Girl)

Elizabeth Taylor.

by Andy Warhol, of course.

Farewell Elizabeth Taylor, one of the most talented and beautiful actresses of our time, who was already a legend before her death.

Here is a tribute to her by Paul Newman.

Japan.

My heart goes out to Japan and its people after the 8.9 earthquake and following Tsunami that struck them yesterday.
Natural disasters can strike us all, so us that have the fortune of being well today should come together to help in any way we can.
If you wish to make a donation to help those that have been affected, please visit Red Cross or text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation.

Cue.

Life has funny ways to let us know we have hit one of it's nerves. Sometimes they come as small hints that you could walk right past without noticing if you are not paying attention, and sometimes they hit you right on the face.

I ran into one of the latter today, or rather, it ran me over.

Remember what I said yesterday about death and the loss of conversations it implies?

Here is what I found this morning when I opened my book at a random page (and I will leave it at that, since the story says it all):

Why I don't keep a daily Planner, 

by Stace Budzco.

Written on his calendar

on the day of my

father's death, these

words: Call son.

Vintage Blue Children's Toy Telephone from Carolemarie on Etsy

It came from a great little book titled Hint Fiction, and anthology of stories in 25 words or fewer, edited by Robert Swartwood.

You can find more information about the book and Hint Fiction at Robert Swartwood's website, and I also strongly recommend that you listen to the feature that NPR's Weekend Edition had about it here.

Burial in the Snow.

photo by R R

Last weekend we buried my husband's 98 year old grandfather in Illinois. The ground was so frozen that they thought they would not be able to dig his grave on time and they had to burn a fire above his plot for almost a whole day to thaw it. I have never been so cold!

photo by R R

photo by R R

 Death is one of those doors I referred to in my last post that cannot be replaced by a different one. The door of the person who dies is closed forever to the ones he or she leaves behind. I am not scared of Death, but sad about the emptiness it leaves behind, of all of those unasked questions that will never be answered, all of those conversations we will never be able to have with the person that has died. Those thoughts are gloomy, but also encouraging in the sense that they make me super aware of the importance to life my life fully, to not wait to tell those close to me that I love them, to never leave anything for tomorrow. It is important not to take our life for granted, to make the most of it and put things in perspective.

As I said before, life has been hard lately so I attended the funeral with a dark cloud over my head. But then I started thinking about the fleetingness of life and of how precious every moment is, so I decided to  let my cloud go and in the end I realized that everything that has been obscuring my heart and mind lately is minimal when put in perspective with the bigger picture. I surprised myself by walking away in a much brighter mood.

photo by R R

Maybe that "grandpa" door will never be replaced, but his funeral opened to me many new doors. I got to meet some of J's family I had never met before, visit a new place and learn about his family's (now my family, too) history. New interesting and exciting people to grow fond of and get to know better over time. I am excited about that and happy that although I would not have chosen to meet them at a funeral, the emotional rawness of the occasion made us able to connect in a deeper level than a different circumstance would have allowed.

I look forwards the future moments we will share and have come back home looking at things in a much brighter light.

R

R R's self portrait

Doors.

Some people say that for every door that closes another one opens.

That in between limbo after a door has closed and contemplating which new door/path to choose to continue my journey is exactly where I find myself. It is both unnerving and exciting. 

A lot has happened lately, some good things, some bad. Somehow, it feels like the balance has been slanting towards the bad lately and I feel like more doors have been closed than opened. Some of those doors cannot be replaced and represent paths that have been closed forever, while some have been followed by uncertainty and the prospect of thrilling new possibilities.

Photo by R R

I know everything is temporary, and have the convinction that in the end everything is going to work out. I believe in equilibrium, and through that I sense that all of this is just a fase I have to go through to get to the next stage in my life.

After all, I am one of the luckiest persons I know. I am happy, I am healthy, I am loved. I am fortunate to have good friends, to live in a beautiful place, to be owned by two of the most amazing cats on this planet, to have the unbelievable luck to be sharing my life with my best friend and to be loved back by him.

This is just a test, I keep telling myself, but sometimes it all becomes too overwhelming.

That is why I have decided to share my thoughts and my heart with you in this blog, and in the process of doing so try to sort out what’s next. I hope you will join me.

This is my life.

Here we go.

R