Cue.

Life has funny ways to let us know we have hit one of it's nerves. Sometimes they come as small hints that you could walk right past without noticing if you are not paying attention, and sometimes they hit you right on the face.

I ran into one of the latter today, or rather, it ran me over.

Remember what I said yesterday about death and the loss of conversations it implies?

Here is what I found this morning when I opened my book at a random page (and I will leave it at that, since the story says it all):

Why I don't keep a daily Planner, 

by Stace Budzco.

Written on his calendar

on the day of my

father's death, these

words: Call son.

Vintage Blue Children's Toy Telephone from Carolemarie on Etsy

It came from a great little book titled Hint Fiction, and anthology of stories in 25 words or fewer, edited by Robert Swartwood.

You can find more information about the book and Hint Fiction at Robert Swartwood's website, and I also strongly recommend that you listen to the feature that NPR's Weekend Edition had about it here.

Burial in the Snow.

photo by R R

Last weekend we buried my husband's 98 year old grandfather in Illinois. The ground was so frozen that they thought they would not be able to dig his grave on time and they had to burn a fire above his plot for almost a whole day to thaw it. I have never been so cold!

photo by R R

photo by R R

 Death is one of those doors I referred to in my last post that cannot be replaced by a different one. The door of the person who dies is closed forever to the ones he or she leaves behind. I am not scared of Death, but sad about the emptiness it leaves behind, of all of those unasked questions that will never be answered, all of those conversations we will never be able to have with the person that has died. Those thoughts are gloomy, but also encouraging in the sense that they make me super aware of the importance to life my life fully, to not wait to tell those close to me that I love them, to never leave anything for tomorrow. It is important not to take our life for granted, to make the most of it and put things in perspective.

As I said before, life has been hard lately so I attended the funeral with a dark cloud over my head. But then I started thinking about the fleetingness of life and of how precious every moment is, so I decided to  let my cloud go and in the end I realized that everything that has been obscuring my heart and mind lately is minimal when put in perspective with the bigger picture. I surprised myself by walking away in a much brighter mood.

photo by R R

Maybe that "grandpa" door will never be replaced, but his funeral opened to me many new doors. I got to meet some of J's family I had never met before, visit a new place and learn about his family's (now my family, too) history. New interesting and exciting people to grow fond of and get to know better over time. I am excited about that and happy that although I would not have chosen to meet them at a funeral, the emotional rawness of the occasion made us able to connect in a deeper level than a different circumstance would have allowed.

I look forwards the future moments we will share and have come back home looking at things in a much brighter light.

R

R R's self portrait

Doors.

Some people say that for every door that closes another one opens.

That in between limbo after a door has closed and contemplating which new door/path to choose to continue my journey is exactly where I find myself. It is both unnerving and exciting. 

A lot has happened lately, some good things, some bad. Somehow, it feels like the balance has been slanting towards the bad lately and I feel like more doors have been closed than opened. Some of those doors cannot be replaced and represent paths that have been closed forever, while some have been followed by uncertainty and the prospect of thrilling new possibilities.

Photo by R R

I know everything is temporary, and have the convinction that in the end everything is going to work out. I believe in equilibrium, and through that I sense that all of this is just a fase I have to go through to get to the next stage in my life.

After all, I am one of the luckiest persons I know. I am happy, I am healthy, I am loved. I am fortunate to have good friends, to live in a beautiful place, to be owned by two of the most amazing cats on this planet, to have the unbelievable luck to be sharing my life with my best friend and to be loved back by him.

This is just a test, I keep telling myself, but sometimes it all becomes too overwhelming.

That is why I have decided to share my thoughts and my heart with you in this blog, and in the process of doing so try to sort out what’s next. I hope you will join me.

This is my life.

Here we go.

R